Devastating life in research

It had been some time, that I really have not blog. Not putting any writing, due to some cases that happened to me.

Sad to say, I totally felt wrecked, and devastated. The whole sh*t that happened seems to be all my fault, and I am to be blamed.

I would like people from other places to know, that certain company(s) are just full of sh*t when they are established in Msia. I would not wanted to name the company, due to the previous slamming of blogging the company unprofessional-ism. I found it unfair, unjustified. Why I am suppose to be at fault, when every factors that I had mentioned before had contributed to the missing item.

Well, not to make matter worst, I had to delete the blog. I still kept it with the other private blog, as draft. I would not wanted that incident in my diary to be wiped off.

On the other hand, I had this incident that I would like to share. The incident that happened to me, and I felt that I should have let other to know about it. (Some had been told regarding to this incident, so please bear with me.)

My boss at M.u here did something that is very unfair to me. I was rushing for the writing up for a progress presentation in the middle of May, and due to my own fault, I sort of submitted the writing late to the P.i and I was indeed the person to be at blame. However, three days before the due date submission to the uni, I had send in a draft in soft copt to both P.i and the P.i at M.u replied to me via sms that I should have added the portion discussion, even though it was unfinished research. So, be it. I wrote up a discussion until the recent part that had been accomplished, and trying to keep up with the pace, so that I can be able to submit it on time. I quickly find the p.i at M.u and lend the soft copy for the p.i to copy. Afterwards, the P.i only mentioned that the result portion needed to have some adjustment, and add in a bit more for the result, which had previously been done, but failed to proceed. As instructed, before heading back to the lab to continue with the extra work, I asked if the rest of the written work is ok for the P.i? And you know what I get for the answer? The P.i said, you wait until the other P.i to reply you, for me, it was ok-lah, hor? I was kind of wondering, if he had read the introduction portion and the methodology...And, the wondering finally revealed, after 3 days later...

The P.i at the other side called and asked me together with the P.i here to meet up. Once reached the office, I was told that the writing was terribly bad, especially the introduction portion. I was speechless, and I had had the written work submitted due to time constrain, I could not wait for the P.i on the other side to comment. (The p.i on the other side, was apparently quite busy with the schedule, and had no time to read up the finalised written work.) So, I guess since that was just a progress presentation for me, and in fact, the form for submission written, to submit only a 100 word summary of the research's progress. I did the extra work, because following the current Master student whom also recently submitted the written work. The MSc student claimed that 100 words summary could not allow to explain the whole situation until the recent work. So, the MSc student wrote more, and submitted it as a PhD candidature written submission.

I was not blaming her that I had to follow the same procedure of writing. The school itself, also hired an acting research manager that did not tolerate late submission, and the ACT wanted the written submission to be perfect, which look like a PhD candidature submission. And, so be it. I wrote up something to satisfy them. Little did I know that this will landed me into deep trouble.

The P.i on the other side complained that I did not have enough reading, which was true. I admit it was kind of last minute work, and I indeed lack of the reading knowledge. As such, I actually listen to what the p.i on the other side commented. Sadly as in, once the p.i on the other side commented, the Pi over here said that the introduction portion indeed was badly written. Should not put like this, that...bla..bla...bla... and until I felt so disappointed. Excuse me, may I know who did say like "the rest you wait for the other side p.i to comment and as for me, should be ok-lah, hor?" This is how contradictory the p.i over here reacted, when meeting up. The most devastating moment was when both p.i said that I am not the material to work up with science. They said, should have done more reading, and this and that. Right! The reading session, was indeed my fault. I am just a person whom cannot read. Please do not continue humiliating me as in, I am such a loser compare to other in the research field. I am such a blacksheep that had came into the M.u. And I am such a low quality student, compare to the rest of the other students, not even can compare with a second year student from M.u. Alright. I am such a loser. I am such a blacksheep. I am such a low quality person. But this is human. I am not GOD. I am not 100% perfect. If I were to be compare from human to human, where is the justification?

My p.i from M.u could not help me. My p.i from the other side did not trust me. What can I do? Pretend that nothing had happened and just keep it to myself? Yes, I will pretend that I can take these things up, and will move on as quickly as I could, but at the same time, I want to let people know that, this is how you will be treated, when you had lost your value. Welcome to the society. Welcome to the dog-eat-dog world. Welcome to the life, where only boss is right and everything you did is wrong.

I did not ask for complement. I did not ask for praise. I did not even dare to ask for their help, due to these incident. Now, I am communicating with other researcher that can enlighten me, that can show me or at least, can light up my way in research field. For I am not trust-able in the mind and eyes of my both p.i(s), everything I do, will become a disaster. (I might be wrong, but tell me, when people did not trust you anymore, will they let you be? Will they teach and guide you?)

I did not ask to have everything perfectly with me, but at least, do not just use me, and then, when I had no more value, I am just being dumped like I am a rubbish. For your information, I am not a rubbish.